Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones can break more than bones. Children often know this more than do the adults surrounding them. Advice books about divorce abound with references to the importance of ex-spouses not speaking ill of one another, at least in the presence of their children. This seems to be a case of “easier said than done,” though.

It’s almost too good to pass up sometimes, isn’t it? Mom (or Dad) makes a passing negative reference to a friend or relative about their former spouse and the bashing takes on a life of its own. The children wander around the edges of the conversation, or come into the room in the midst of the fun. By that time, the participants are having too much fun or getting too much validation to stop. The kids are even allowed to join in sometimes.

Or it may be more seductive. Passive-aggressive behavior takes over, in which the absent parent is the target of negativity by the children and no one corrects them. The parent who hears this stands back and enjoys the show, even if they don’t participate directly. They can defend themselves by saying, “I didn’t say anything bad about their father (mother)!” No, but they also don’t stop their children from acting with disrespect, either. The message is just as clear to the kids.

The results are predictable and well-documented. Children get caught in the vindictive cross-fire between their parents, the people who are supposed to be role models for their kids for life. It’s easy in our hurt to fall into the trap of sniping at each other through our children. Perhaps we think that we can solidify our position as the wronged one in the eyes of the world, and our children are the unwilling audience. All of this is being played out, however, while those young minds and hearts are learning how to be adults on their own someday. Parents, divorced or not, are still the most influential adults to teach those lessons. Our children listen to us, one way or the other. Either we can provide them with positive, character-affirming models or we can teach them to tear one another apart. The results for their futures as they move into the world as friends, lovers, partners, spouses, and parents themselves are in our hands.

Another aspect of this issue is often not considered until it’s too late. A parent who continually bashes the custodial spouse to his/her children is creating a child who grows up to disregard that “on-site” parent’s authority on a daily basis. A teenager is thus “grown” who is disrespectful and defiant, and the result is a youngster who is uncontrollable by both parents. The basher can’t suddenly step back and demand the child show respect to the custodial parent. Children know that the basher’s behavior is not worthy of respect, either. The damage has been done and is usually uncorrectable by that time.

Parents are parents forever, regardless of their marital status. We would do well do write that on our bathroom mirrors to remind us of our importance to our children every minute of every day. And then we need to put the sticks and stones in the trash where they belong.

-- May 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at debrhan48@comcast.net.

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