Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Children of Divorce

Children of divorce must deal with a world that is unknown to their friends who haven’t experienced this traumatic event. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of articles written that grapple with the issues involved in parenting under these circumstances, but millions of words mean nothing to a kid whose world has been torn apart, both literally and figuratively. As parents of these children, we have to push aside our own emotional turmoil, as hard as that is, and meet them head-on where they are in the grieving process.

It’s important that we recognize that this is a process for them, and not an isolated event. We may be a single adult again, with all the challenges that entails initially and in the future, but most of these issues will resolve themselves eventually, through counseling or perhaps through other relationships, or a combination of these things. But for our children the divorce will have effects on them for the rest of their lives. Think about these things:

• What must it feel like to be shuttled between two homes, belongings forgotten here and there along the way? How would YOU handle it? Help them in any way that you can in making sure that they have all their things when they leave one parent’s home to transition to the other. This can also be a series of life-lessons in responsibility for them. Do it lovingly and with some understanding of their situation.

• In some cases, children don’t even know where one of their parents is. Try to imagine how that affects them, and if that is the situation your children face, discuss it with them now and as time goes by. Is there any chance the absent parent will return to their lives in some way? Is it better to give them hope if there is that chance? Only you can decide that, but it bears consideration in the light of what’s best for your kids, not in the framework your own hurt and pain.

• Do your children have the opportunity to ask questions about the divorce, both now and as the months and years unfold? Yes, it’s a painful topic for the adults involved in it, but silence reinforces a child’s natural tendency to take personal responsibility for the divorce. That’s a dangerous misconception for someone to carry through life, one that can lead to difficulties in forging successful relationships in the future.
Related to that, don’t assume that how they feel today is how they will feel next month, next year, or ten years from now. Remember that this is a process for them, and as they mature, their outlook will mature, especially if parents keep the lines of communication open by continuing the dialogue throughout the years. “Let sleeping dogs lie” is NOT a good policy in this case.

• Meet with your child’s teachers, guidance counselor, coaches, and other adults important in your child’s life so that they will be aware of the situation. It isn’t necessary to go into detail, and it’s not the time to belittle the other parent. But they need to know so that they can watch for signs of trouble in how your child is coping, especially when away from you. Children can sometimes be stoic while at home, and then crumble in a variety of ways at school, the day care center, or on the field of sports.

Have you taken the time to move out of your own pain and try to put yourself into the position of your children? This isn’t done to induce more guilt than you probably already feel, or to diminish the reasons that brought you to the divorce. But, we must ask ourselves how our children might be viewing their own place in their new world, and then lend whatever assistance we can to hold them together as they move through the process of dealing with this life-altering event in their lives.

--September 2005

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at debrhan48@comcast.net.

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